All scenes take place in a therapy treatment room. The decor perhaps hints at something comfortable and homely; however it is not overly furnished, offering little to distract patient or doctor during the session. Dr. Jonathan Katz, ever the professional, sits in an armchair with a notepad and pencil. His patient, Lee Clarke is more relaxed, sitting or lying on the couch. Scene breaks last for a few seconds, and give camera shots of the outside of the building - showing some feature of interest; or looking into the room from the outside through a window; or putting the building itself in the context of a busy city. Scenes can be interspersed with situation comedy between other characters. The ending piece of music is just a short piano ditty that is on a time to play automatically at the right time, to signify the end of the session. The tune is always the same. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- EPISODE 1 ========= [SCENE 1] Clarke: [SIGHS, DEFEATED] Okay, doc, I'm here. I didn't think it would come to this, but here I am. Katz: How do you mean? Clarke: Well this is like the beginning of the end for me, or at least for my sanity, I don't know. It's like saying "Yes, I'm a nut - I'm in therapy, didn't you know?" Do I get a membership card or something, to prove I'm nuts? Katz: Well, you could look at it from other direction, and say that starting therapy is a positive move in itself. Clarke: A step in the right direction, you mean? Katz: Well that phrase is a cliché, and I don't like to use those. Clarke: Really? Me too! We already have something in common. Shall we try going steady? [WINKS] [BEAT] Look, let's just cut to the chase, shall we? Dig up some "repressed" childhood trauma, tell me I'm secretly in love with both my parents, and I can get outta here. Katz: Therapy is not all about that. Ideas have changed a lot since... Clarke: Freud, yeah I know. I've studied some of his stuff. Katz: Well, like I said, ideas have changed a lot. Clarke: [LOOKS INWARDLY FIERCE] Katz: You seem kinda bitter. Maybe that's because you feel that I'm going to make you think about things that are painful for you. Clarke: No, I'm bitter because this is costing me three hundred bucks an hour, which is painful for my wallet. Katz: You know, so much of this is about having a positive disposition. You've gotta think of this as money well spent. It's an investment in yourself. It's a step in the right direction. Clarke: I thought that was a cliché? Katz: Well I'm only human. [SCENE BREAK] Clarke: You know I think the whole concept of therapy is actually quite dangerous. Katz: In what way? Clarke: Well because it defines certain behaviours, certain character features to be "normal". It defines what a "normal" person is, and tries to mould everyone to fit that fascist ideal. Katz: Well... Clarke: Which implies that other behaviours are "abnormal" and in need of "treatment". I mean, do you call a person "sick" if they happen to exhibit certain eccentricities? I mean I've known people who talk to themselves, or eat their food in alphabetical order, or go on murderous axe-wielding rampages, I mean do you call all these people "sick", where does it all end, doc? WHERE DOES IT ALL END?!! [END SCENE ON KATZ'S REACTION] ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [SCENE 2] Clarke: Your middle name's Paul, isn't it? Katz: Yes, that's right. How did you know? Clarke: I asked your receptionist, Laura. It took a lot of effort, but I got it out of her eventually. Katz: Confidentiality is important to her. Clarke: No it's not that, she just really didn't want to talk to me. Katz: Oh, right. Clarke: I was gonna ask her for your home phone number too, but it was so much trouble to get your middle name out of her... Katz: I actually think that's going too far, that would certainly be an invasion of my personal privacy. Clarke: Well it would have only been a joke anyway, but I felt like she probably wouldn't "get it" without a lot of explanation, so... Katz: ...Yeah. Clarke: She kinda shy, isn't she? Katz: I don't think "shy" is exactly... Clarke: Well how would you describe her? Katz: [THINKS] Apathetic. Clarke: Oh. Well, I guess that's a relief. Katz: How so? Clarke: I was starting to think I was becoming neurotic. Katz: Right. Clarke: But what are middle names for? You have a surname to say what family you're from - I think it gives you a sense of belonging as well as allowing for convenient grouping of individuals in the population. Then you have your first name, your given name, so that family and so on can address you as an individual. Surely that's enough, am I right? Katz: Well... Clarke: Middle names are just for your parents to have fun with. Katz: What... Clarke: Do you know what my middle name is? Katz: [CHECKING NOTES] Um... Clarke: Don't laugh. It's "Vernon". Katz: [NO REACTION] Clarke: Okay, now you can laugh. Katz: [STILL NO HINT OF MIRTH] You know, I actually don't think that your middle name is... Clarke: Well that's easy for you to say. Katz: Not when you keep interrupting me. Clarke: I don't keep interrupting you, do I? Katz: Well it seems that every time I open my mouth... Clarke: Well I'm sorry, doc, I don't mean to, but I don't see why I shouldn't cut off unnecessary corners to save time. I mean, it's not like either of us actually wants to spend any more time on this than we have to. Katz: What makes you say that? Clarke: Well think about it. You're not actually interested in anything I have to say, are you? You're only sitting through it because you're paid to, you wouldn't even pretend to be interested I weren't paying you, am I right? Katz: Well... Clarke: I mean, you got your notepad and pen there, you say you're taking notes, but for all I know you could be doodling some little picture or playing hangman or something, on my paid time. [WE SEE A PRIMITIVE DOODLE ON KATZ'S PAD] Katz: Well, I like to think I'm performing a useful service just by... Clarke: And obviously I don't wanna waste time because it's costing me money. So let's just co-operate and we can both be outta here, okay? [SCENE BREAK] Clarke: Oh yeah, middle names. You know I've got three brothers, one older? Well when my younger brother was born they gave him "Lloyd" as his middle name. Katz: Nice name. Clarke: Welsh origin, begins with a double-L. That's not pronounced like an L in English, it's pronounced like this: [MAKES WELSH "LL" SOUND] You hear that? [DOES IT AGAIN] The name is pronounced "Lloyd" [WITH WELSH "LL" SOUND], except we never say it like that. Katz: That's okay. Clarke: Except the really weird thing is that when the next brother was born, my youngest brother, my parents gave him "Lloyd" as his first name! Can you believe that? What, were they trying to recycle names? I don't think that's gonna help the environment too much, you know what I mean? They kinda got the wrong idea over that. Katz: Well, maybe they just liked the name... Clarke: Well if they liked the name then why didn't they give it to my second brother as his first name instead of his middle name? Then they could've given my third brother a completely new name they liked. Or even one they didn't like. I mean, couldn't they think of any more names? You know there are books you can buy, just full of boys' names you can use. If they'd only bought a little book they would've had plenty of names to choose from, would that have really been so much trouble? Katz: Well... Clarke: I always think it's interesting when people give their children Biblical names. You know, name their children after someone in the Bible, like Elijah, or Noah. Katz: Sure. Clarke: I think maybe if I ever had children, I would like to name one of them after someone in the Bible. Katz: Who? Clarke: God. Katz: Ah. Clarke: And I don't care what anyone says; God is definitely a boy's name. But my parents could certainly have come up with a better middle name for me, I mean, "Vernon"? that's gotta be some kinda sick joke, right? Katz: Um... Clarke: I think if you're gonna give a kid a middle name, then you should make sure it's as nice as his first name, so that he can choose which one he likes. Otherwise it's kinda making up his mind for him. It's like saying to him, "You can eat your sprouts... or you can eat these razor-blades. You can choose though." [END SCENE] ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [SCENE 3] Clarke: I have only one vice to speak of. Katz: What's that? Clarke: I drink. Katz: Well, that's not necessarily... Clarke: A lot. Katz: Oh. But even so, just the one vice is... Clarke: Well, that and being a big ABBA fan. Katz: That's a vice? Clarke: You bet it is. The only people who like ABBA are crusties and students. Katz: "Crusties"? Clarke: Look in a mirror. Katz: ...Oh. Clarke: [CHUCKLING SLIGHTLY] I'm sorry, that was cruel. I was just kidding anyway; you're not that old. Katz: Well... thank-you. [PAUSE] You were talking about your vices? Clarke: Oh yeah. In fact, now that I think about it, I actually have three. Katz: What's the third one? Clarke: I have this tendency to do maths for no good reason. Katz: You mean mental arithmetic? Clarke: Calculus. Katz: Oh. Clarke: Just the other day I started wondering about the gradient on the graph of a circle. Katz: [SLIGHTLY LOST BY THE MATHS TALK, AND SLIGHTLY NOT PAYING ATTENTION] A... A circle? Clarke: Yeah, a circle. You know, it's kinda like an ellipse, except that the major and semi-major axes are the same length? Katz: [BLANK LOOK] Clarke: Are you still with me? [SCENE BREAK] Katz: So you were telling me that you drink a lot. Clarke: I wouldn't say a lot. Katz: Actually you would - those were your words, I made a note of them. Clarke: Oh. Okay, well, maybe "a lot" isn't the best way of putting it. It would probably be better to say "whenever possible". Katz: That's not the same thing? Clarke: Not at all. I'm not an alcoholic, I just like getting drunk. Katz: Okay. Clarke: Well who doesn't? I mean, you like getting drunk, don't you, doc? Katz: It's actually been quite a long time since I really... Clarke: You don't know what you're missing. Katz: Would you say you drink as a means of rewarding yourself? Clarke: Umm... I don't think so. Katz: What about as a means of escaping problems? Clarke: You mean drowning my sorrows? Katz: That's a cliché again. Clarke: But drowning my sorrows is what you're talking about? Katz: Well, yes. Clarke: Well, I don't think that I do that either. Well maybe. It's more like a feel-good thing. From the first drink I've got a smile on my face. Katz: And you say you're not an alcoholic? [END SCENE] ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [SCENE 4] Clarke: I hate fat people being the butt of society. Katz: Mmm. Clarke: The "butt" of society, get it? Katz: Oh. Yeah. Clarke: No-one can tell me that eating isn't pleasurable, because it is. Otherwise, cake companies would go out of business. The taste of those things is the only thing they have going for them. Katz: Yeah. Clarke: I know what you're thinking. You're thinking it's probably me personally who keeps those cake companies in business, aren't you. Katz: Actually no, that never even occurred to me, you really need to stop being so negative about yourself. You know it is possible to make jokes that aren't at your own expense. Clarke: Well you know what I always say. If you can't laugh at yourself... then someone else will do it for you. [SCENE BREAK] Clarke: The thing is, different people get pleasure from doing different things. That's just part of being human. Katz: Sure. Clarke: It just so happens that what I get pleasure from makes me fat. Katz: Yeah. It's just bad luck really. Clarke: Exactly. Other people don't get that problem. Because believe me, if sex made you fat, then the average bodymass of adults in this country would skyrocket. Katz: Yeah. Clarke: And some of the kids, probably. You'd know about it if your kids were hanging around with a paedophile, because they would just swell up like a balloon right after they meet that guy down the street with all the cool video games, you know what I mean! Katz: [SENSING BAD TASTE] Okay. Clarke: But seriously, if sex made you fat, doorways wouldn't be rectangular. They'd be elliptical. Katz: Yeah. Clarke: What's more, we would be making fun of thin people! We'd be like, "Hey twiggy, not getting any? Loser!" Katz: Yeah, that's a good point. Like I say, just bad luck that the world is the way it is. Clarke: Yeah, I'm feeling a bit more positive now. Katz: Good. Clarke: I should be proud of my weight. In fact I think I'll organise the world's first Fat Pride march. Katz: Well... Clarke: Well not so much a march as a waddle really... Katz: [SIGHS] [END SCENE] ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [SCENE 5] Clarke: You know when you buy a tube of superglue or something, it says on the side "Keep out of reach of children". Katz: Sure. Clarke: Well I do that. When I put it down it is out of the reach of children. There are no children within reaching distance of where I put it. Katz: Yeah. Clarke: But then I go away to do something else, and in the meantime some kid comes along. So that now the superglue is within his reach. Katz: Mmm. Clarke: And naturally all hell breaks loose. But you know, it seems to me that the problem is not so much with the superglue as it is with the child. Katz: Well... Clarke: So maybe the hiatus to issue a warning is not with the glue manufacturers at all. Maybe when you have children, they should be the ones to come with the warning. "Keep out of reach of superglue." [END SCENE] ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [SCENE 6] Clarke: You know I saw an advert on TV the other day, it was for some kitchen cleaner. [SARCASTIC] "It's made from natural orange-oil you know". [NORMAL AGAIN] They said it will make your whole home smell like an orange grove. Why the hell would I want my home to smell like an orange grove? I want it to smell like my home, for Christ's sake! I don't wanna come home one night, perhaps I've had a few drinks, I'm not thinking straight, and then think "Oh darn, I must have taken a wrong turn into that orange grove again. Better leave." Katz: Hmm. Clarke: What's so great about the smell of an orange grove anyway, why should cleaning products smell like that? Katz: Well some people don't... Clarke: I remember the good old-fashioned smell of synthetic chemicals from when I was a kid, and I don't recall anyone complaining. Katz: Well... Clarke: I spent most of my childhood laying face-down on the kitchen floor after the tiles had had a good mopping, getting high as a kite on that stuff, WHY THE HELL WOULD I WANNA CHANGE A THING?!! [ENDING PIANO MUSIC INTERRUPTS] Katz: Whoops, you know what the music means. Clarke: HAPPY HOUR !!! Katz: Our time is up. Clarke: Do you ever use that music in your private life? Katz: [PUZZLED] Clarke: Like when you're on the phone to your friends, and you're getting bored of the conversation, do you just play that music down the phone and say, "Ah, you know what the music means... I'm gonna hang up." [CREDITS] All original material is copyright (C) 2003 Lee Clarke www.leevclarke.net