All scenes take place in a therapy treatment room. The decor perhaps hints at something comfortable and homely; however it is not overly furnished, offering little to distract patient or doctor during the session. Dr. Jonathan Katz, ever the professional, sits in an armchair with a notepad and pencil. His patient, Lee Clarke is more relaxed, sitting or lying on the couch. Scene breaks last for a few seconds, and give camera shots of the outside of the building - showing some feature of interest; or looking into the room from the outside through a window; or putting the building itself in the context of a busy city. Scenes can be interspersed with situation comedy between other characters. The ending piece of music is just a short piano ditty that is on a time to play automatically at the right time, to signify the end of the session. The tune is always the same. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- EPISODE 2 ========= [SCENE 1] Clarke: Don't you just hate it when... comedians begin their act with "Don't you just hate it when"? Katz: Hmm. Clarke: It's just a lack of originality, there's not enough originality around these days. I'll give you an example. I was watching TV the other day, when an advert came on for one of these CD compilation album collections. Katz: Right. Clarke: And it's just all the same songs as the last time they released a CD compilation album collection. You know, "Eternal Flame", "I Will Always Love You", "Everything I Do", blah de blah de blah. They've just found yet another new way to record these tunes, and put them in new packaging, again, and expect us to buy those same songs all over again. Katz: I know what you mean. Clarke: I mean, how does that happen? Are they running out of new tunes, is that it? Have all the possible tunes in existence been used up already? Do we have songwriters who get halfway through writing a new song and think, "Hey, this song's coming along pretty well. Oh, hey... wait a minute, Paul McCartney already wrote that one. Damn, I guess we'll just have to put all those old songs in a new box and sell them again instead." [END SCENE] [SCENE 2] Clarke: Don't you just hate it when... you leave a biscuit exposed to the air? It starts off hard, but it goes soft. Katz: Yeah. Clarke: Don't you just hate it when... you leave a piece of bread exposed to the air? It starts off soft, and goes hard. Katz: Hmm. Clarke: How does that happen? It's like when you leave a magazine or something out in the sun. It goes white because the sun, like, bleaches it. Katz: Yeah. Clarke: What if YOU go out in the sun for a while, what happens? You start off white, and actually get darker. Katz: Well... Clarke: And if you get an ice-cube, and heat it. It starts off solid and melts into a liquid, right? Katz: Right. Clarke: But then you get an egg, and heat it. It starts off as a liquid, and then solidifies with the heat. Katz: Well that's... Clarke: All these questions have been puzzling me since our last session, and thank goodness I'm here again, because I need to know the answers. Not to mention all the other questions I have, you know, about my psychiatric problems. Katz: Well you know, I can't always provide the answers to your questions. Clarke: What! What else are you here for? Katz: I'm only a therapist, I can't always offer easy answers to the things that are troubling you. What I can do is to help you to think about the answers for yourself. I think it's important you realise that. Clarke: What if I paid you more money? Could I get easy answers then? What about if I changed therapists? Do other therapists offer easy answers as part of the deal? Can I get an Easy Answers coupon, or something like that? Maybe a special offer for regular customers? Katz: That's not a good idea. [END SCENE ON KATZ SCRIBBLING IN HIS NOTEPAD "EASY ANSWERS COUPON"] ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [SCENE 3] Clarke: I'm getting bored, let's play I Spy. Katz: I don't think that's an appropriate use of our time. Clarke: Our time? Who's paying for this time, doc? I think you'll find the time belongs to me. Katz: ...Yeah. Clarke: So I'll decide what's appropriate, and I'm telling you now that I Spy is appropriate at this moment. Katz: Okay. Clarke: I will also decide who starts, and I decide: me. I spy with my little eye something beginning with... sex. Katz: Did you say beginning with X? Clarke: No, I said beginning with sex. [beat] Do you give up? Katz: [UNSURE; CLARKE NODS ENTHUSIASTICALLY] Okay, I give up. Clarke: It's you, doctor Katz, you began with sex. Katz: I see. Clarke: I'm actually gay, I mean, did I mention that? Katz: Several times, I think. Clarke: You say that as though it's a bad thing, do you think it's a bad thing? Katz: Well, I just don't think it's necessary to tell people what you like sexually as readily as a lot of gay people seem to. Really it's no-one else's business - that's your private life. Clarke: Well how do you feel about homosexuality? Katz: It really doesn't bother me. If that's what you like then that's your business, like anyone else in this world. Clarke: Would you consider trying it? Katz: Um... are you propositioning me? Clarke: Maybe. Katz: Well that certainly would not be appropriate. Even if I felt that I wanted to try it, and I'm not saying that I do or don't, then it would not be appropriate for me to have an affair with you; no more than it would be appropriate for me to have an affair with one of my female clients. I can't try to help you by getting involved with you in that way myself, I can only try to help you as an individual. You should be comfortable and confident in relation to yourself, not in relation to someone else, least of all me. That's what we're here for, and that's what you should be aiming for too, if this is going to work. Clarke: I guess that makes sense. [HESITATES] But if you weren't my therapist and you felt like trying it, I'd be first on your list... right? Katz: I think we should change the subject. Clarke: One thing I don't get though is masochism. You know, getting pleasure from being hurt. Katz: Yeah. Clarke: I think I may actually be allergic to pain. It makes me break out in, um... tears. [END SCENE] ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [SCENE 4] Clarke: I've been suffering from a cold lately. Katz: I'm sorry to hear that. Clarke: Yeah. It's contagious too, so no kisses. Katz: I don't... Clarke: ...think that's appropriate, yeah, I know, I was just kidding. Katz: Well, good. You know, if you're attracted to me, and it's gonna continue to be an issue in our relationship, I really think you should change therapists. Clarke: I'm sorry, I'll shut up about it. I won't mention it again. Katz: Well, I don't want you to feel that you have to be careful about what you say to me. You should feel like you can talk to your therapist about anything. Clarke: So, what, you're saying I shouldn't shut up about it? Make up your mind, doc, should I mention it or shouldn't I? Katz: Well I think... Clarke: I mean I really don't want to change therapists. It's taken me long enough to open up a little to you. You know, to have gained something approaching a rapport. Katz: Well... Clarke: And I like you too, I don't wanna change. Katz: Well that's... Clarke: Or shouldn't I say that? You tell me, doc, should I just shut up about the way I feel about you? Katz: Umm... Clarke: Yes or no, should I shut up about it? Katz: Well... yes. [SCENE BREAK] Clarke: You know colds kinda fascinate me. Katz: In what way? Clarke: Well for example, have you noticed that whenever you have a cold, your nose is constantly blocked? Katz: That is a common symptom, yeah. Clarke: Well why's that? I mean, why does your body feel the need to fill your nasal cavity completely with this gunge, just because you're too cold? Katz: Hmm. Clarke: And you never run out of that stuff. I mean you try, but you can't. You blow your nose into a tissue or something, flush it down the toilet, and two minutes later your nose is full up again. Just full right the hell up. I mean, there must be a reason for it. I think that under normal circumstances this gunk is supposed to trap dust while you're breathing in, to stop it from going into your lungs. Katz: Uh-huh. Clarke: But when you've got a cold your body thinks: "Ooh... Is it cold! This guy's been invaded by germs, he's shivering, he's got a headache... He won't want to breathe properly or get any sleep through this difficult time. Better step up production of that 'mucus' stuff, block up those passageways." [END SCENE] ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [SCENE 5] Clarke: Just up the road from where I live, there's this church. Katz: Uh-huh. Clarke: It's got this sign outside that says, and I quote: "We offer various forms of worship, especially at six-thirty." Now what does that mean? They have a worship-a-thon? Where they cram as many different kinds of worship as they can into thirty minutes? [BEAT] I don't go in much for all this "Christmas" stuff, you know? Katz: Yeah. Clarke: But, like, if you say that sort of thing, especially around Christmas time, people get on your back about it, they call you "Scrooge" and stuff like that. Katz: Right. Clarke: But look, I'm not five years old any more. Katz: Yeah. Clarke: I don't believe in Santa Claus. I mean adults don't believe in him do they, that's just for the kids. When you grow up into an adult you realise it's crazy to think that he actually exists. Katz: Well, I think that Santa Claus is a metaphor. It's really a personification of... Clarke: Don't start getting philosophical on me, doc. Katz: Okay. Clarke I don't believe in Santa Claus. There's no evidence he exists. Katz: Yeah. Clarke: But I don't believe in God either. Plenty of adults do. I think there are parallels there. Katz: Right. Clarke: But I have a good logic to prove that Santa Claus doesn't exist. Katz: How's that? Clarke: Well, in one night this guy is supposed to get down the chimneys of all the people in the world. Katz: Well not all, many are discounted because they don't... Clarke: Well a heck of a lot of chimneys anyway. Katz: Yeah. Clarke: In one night. Katz: Right. Clarke: And he's carrying a huge sack of stuff too. I mean, think about this - it must be really easy to gain access if he can do all those chimneys in such a short time. Katz: Okay. Clarke: Well if it was really that easy, don't you think people would be using that as a method of burglary? Katz: Umm... Clarke: If you can get down a chimney and out again, with a full sack the whole time (you know the magic sack is always full) that means you should be able to get in with an empty sack and out with a full sack even more easily, right? Because you haven't gotta carry all that stuff in with you. Katz: Yeah. Clarke: I mean you hear about breaking and entering on the news: "A man was burgled yesterday. The burglar forced his way in through a tiny window, grabbed the VCR and hi-fi and squeezed out again through the same window." You never hear: "The burglar used a ladder to get onto the roof, then nipped down the chimney, filled a huge sack to capacity, and climbed back up again and away onto the next house. In one night he successfully burgled every house on the planet." Katz: Well, what would you say if I were to suggest that Santa used his magic powers to get up and down the chimney, which could be assumed to be much faster and easier than climbing, as well as overcoming the physical limitations of the chimney size? Clarke: What would I say to that? Katz: Yeah. Clarke: Bah humbug. [END SCENE] ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [SCENE 6] Clarke: You ever watch The Smurfs? It's a cartoon series. Katz: I know of it, I've never really watched it. Clarke: It's really strange. It's about a community of tiny blue people who wear white hats. Katz: Stranger things have certainly happened in cartoons. Clarke: That's not the part that's strange. Katz: Okay. Clarke: There only seems to be one female among the whole lot. Katz: ...Right. Clarke: So does she have sex with every other Smurf there?! Katz: I don't think... Clarke: Even that really old guy? Katz: I don't sex is an issue that... Clarke: I wonder what kind of cartoon character I would be, I mean if I were a cartoon character. I'd have to be an animal, I mean all cartoon characters are animals, so I'd be... Katz: What about Popeye? Clarke: [SPEECHLESS, PARTLY ABOUT THE EXAMPLE THAT HE DIDN'T THINK OF, AND PARTLY AT BEING INTERRUPTED] ...Yeah, he wasn't an animal, you're right. [HESITATES, AS THOUGH HE'S WAITING FOR AN APOLOGY FROM THE DOCTOR] Katz: I'm sorry, I interrupted you, go ahead. Clarke: [APOLOGY ACCEPTED] Okay, well I was going to say I'd probably be a cat. [BEAT] You know what I find really amazing about my cat? The fact that every single time she jumps up onto a chair, or a table or a bed, anything like that, the first thing she does is to smell the surface of wherever she is. She jumps up and right away, nose to the floor. I mean what does she expect to find there? What does she expect this chair to smell of today, that it didn't smell of yesterday? Katz: ...Yeah. Clarke: Is it all cats that do that, or is mine weird? Katz: Umm... I'm actually not sure. Clarke: Do you have a cat? Katz: No, I don't. In fact I actually hate cats. Clarke: So you wouldn't study animal psychology then. Katz: Only from a book. Clarke: I guess animal psychology would explain about the chair-smelling though, huh? Katz: There might be some research somewhere, but it seems a little obscure. Clarke: You see, I don't get how you're supposed to do animal psychology. I mean, how do you ask a cat about its relationship with its mother? Katz: Psychology is not all about... Clarke: Or do you have to put the cat under hypnosis? How do you do that? Swing a rubber mouse in front of its face? Wave catnip under its nose? [END SCENE] ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [SCENE 7] Katz: Now you were saying last time that telephones annoy you, tell me about that. Clarke: Oh yes, telephones really annoy me. Katz: Is that cellphones you're talking about, when people are on the bus and... Clarke: No, no, no, no. Telephones in general. They're too impatient. Katz: Telephones are impatient? Clarke: Yeah. [BEAT] I mean, if someone's at your front door, what do you hear? "Ding dong." [BEAT] [IN THE SAME TUNE] "Hey there." [BEAT] "Hello." Then it waits for you to answer. If you take a very long time you might hear it again. But it's just a friendly reminder, or in case you didn't hear it the first time. Katz: ...Right. Clarke: But telephones? Whole different story. You don't answer it right away, and it will keep on at you every few seconds! "RING RING! RING RING! RING RING!" Until it drives you nuts! [LEAPS TO HIS FEET] WHY CAN'T TELEPHONES BE AS PATIENT AS DOORBELLS?!! WHY, DOC, WHY?!! [ENDING PIANO MUSIC INTERRUPTS] Katz: Whoops, you know what the music means. Clarke: I'm the lucky winner of free bonus therapy? Katz: [UNAMUSED] Our time is up. Clarke: Is there any more to that piece of music? Katz: Umm... Clarke: Is it a complete piece of music, does it have a name? Can I buy it on CD? I wanna play it and think of you. While I'm GOUGING THE EYES OUT OF A VOODOO DOLL! Ha! What do you think of that? Are you gonna give me some more theraphy NOW? [BEAT] Worth a try. [CREDITS] ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- All original material is copyright (C) 2003 Lee Clarke www.leevclarke.net